How to start THIS post…’cause trust we’re getting personal…
Today is Father’s Day (well technically 1.5 hours left as of this writing) and I have not talked, called, texted or even emailed my dad yet. My friends and family who know me personally know that since my parents divorce I have had a real rocky relationship with my dad. After my 3rd year of college, I decided to be done with him….actually wait, it was after graduation when I realized to hell with it all.
My father is a Grade A ass and, to be honest, I don’t want to talk to him. I have nothing more to say to him, the proceeding months and years following the announcement of the divorce I can say that I did try to make efforts to show I’m still coming by and staying in touch, but due to my dad being mostly angry at my mom leaving him (with good reason) and me deciding to go with her and not stay at his place probably felt like a swift kick to the mouth AND balls and in turn he became different…more passive aggressive and just more manipulative.
Now my mum is a pretty strong woman and he knew that he really couldn’t shake her, but hitting me emotionally in turn aggravates and pisses her off so I guess during that time it was a win on his scorecard by doing that.
I know some people will say after reading this, “At least your dad’s alive.” or “Well, be glad you two still have time to make amends.” But that’s the thing: I AM DONE!
I am just sick and tired of being the one to always make the first move or to be the one to initiate the phone call in efforts to show I’m the bigger man to show I’ve moved on. Yea, I may have my dad here, but I essentially DON’T. Yea I can talk to him, BUT it will degrade into an argument that goes nowhere. Case in point when I went home for X-Mas last year and I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia (long story)and on the second day there my dad shows up after hearing the news from someone else in the family that I was back home AND laid up in the hospital.
(Honestly not the place I wanted to have our “touching” reunion.)
Needless to say after the “you couldn’t call me”‘s (duh I don’t have your number) and the “you never call”‘s (well you never call me), it quite quickly dissolved into him giving me a guilt trip on why I don’t call and how he oh-so wants to build our relationship back….
Yeah, thing about that…I can only be hurt emotionally so many times before I stop caring and go into “fuck you” mode.
So needless to say not much was solved that day…also given the fact he jet outta there quicker than the Flash when he heard my mom and aunt were in the lobby on their way up to see me. So yeah, that just proves to me that you’re not at that level to repair ANY relationship yet if you’re not comfortable enough to have a civil conversation with your ex-wife over the health and well-being of your child.
Sorry dear friends I’m ranting worse than Dennis Miller, but in any case with the last 57 minutes left of this day ticking I’m at a crossroads where, like Jack Bauer, I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the one to start these talks all the time. Does it make me a bad, vindictive person? Maybe, but I’m tired…it’s time HE made efforts and I don’t mean convient ones or ones that cast him in the best light. HE needs to start showing he cares, I’m mean truly! HE needs to grow up and act more, well, like a father….
Til next time,